It's not the camera, stupid! It is the people that you love!

Already after my first post on the new website, I feel different about photography.

It used to be the case that most io my posts and photos would be taken during my morning or evening jogging and they would be of nature or of architectural quality or of animals (if anything animate at all). But all of a sudden after verbalizing what photography means to me, i.e. intimate communication, I cannot help but keep my finger off the shutter unless there are people in view. Street photos have become more contemplative, less sporadic, more measured. Sure, I love looking at the setting sun and the beautiful light it produces, the way it shines through the leaves, the way it warms up even the coldest of hearts (mine). But I keep wishing that person A and person B and everyone else and beyond the alphabet were here. They don't need to be aware of my presence - I'll be just taking pictures. Simple as that. From the distance (but not too far), right next to them (but not intrusive). And that will be my drug. I don't need more.

Does one need more to be happy? Expensive equipment? Fancy lenses? Fast shutter speed, mega- mega- pixels, complex flash systems, filters, photoshop, ... ?

No. 

And I even deleted those lenses from my eBay watch list and started saving: so I can go and meet each one of my alphabet people: those that I think of constantly. Don't save for equipment, save for vacation! There is no greater joy than photographing the people you love. Did you get lactose intolerance from all this cheesiness?

At what point does a photograph become too intimate?

I think about photography as a most intimate form of communication. I do not refer to what we see in magazines or on billboards. Nor do I mean the street photographs that give the traveller tips about the world or its people. Nor do I mean the documentary photography which takes up a distant, detached angle on the intimacy of misery. And I do not mean the intimacy of love or nudity. What I mean is the intimacy of non-verbal, metaphoric, symbolic communication captured by the stillness of the shutter speed.

Who is saying more: the photographer who captures that moment (having first provoked it with a question, a word, a glass of wine, hours and hours of chatting...), the subject of the photograph (having become comfortable with that bright reflective black eye made out of layers of glass), or the people who would look at the photograph (seeing, through the eye of the photographer, trying to do a Theory-of-mind exercise penetrating the boundary between their own reality and that of the person with the camera: they become the true photographer themselves?).

I often feel frustrted seeing the pictures in fashion magazines, on facebook photography pages, and blogs: if you were an alien to visit us from the future and look at our portrayal of ourselves, you've got to conclude that we are miserable, depressed, and in need of affection. Growing up in Easter Europe post '89, I've seen this sadness engraved in each pore of people's faces. Now, with camera in hand, I find it difficult to push the button without the presence of a smile. You know those cameras that can take a picture once they detect a smile in the frame? I am that kind of camera. And I am lucky to have people in my life who have the glow. The ability of people to shine through the lights of the city, or the setting sun, or the candle is what inspires me every time to look them in the eyes and carry on with the ritual. 

In the process of putting a smile oneself, I take a picture of that shared moment - shared only between the two of us - that moment reveals who the person is, what she dreams of, where she travels, where she came from, what we talk about, what she thinks of me. In a sense, the process of taking such intimate portraits is a process of self-portraiture - gathering the pieces of the puzzle that make up the self: after all those people are part of my life for no casual reason. What is it that makes them a unique addition to my life? In these pictures, I no longer see the other person 'in that moment', nor do I see myself in that moment - I see a dynamic system that changes with every click of the mechanical clock, with every thunderbold and thunder, with every splash of the water. It is a system that minutes, hours, days, months, or years later will be stripping even more of its shields. And that's true intimacy.

It’s the people that make the place!?

“Perhaps it is all due to my elevated level of sleep-deprivation – in fact, I can’t remember the last time I didn’t sleep the entire night. Perhaps it is due to my overflowing social schedule – in fact, I can’t remember when I had spent so much quality time with people.”

That’s what I wrote as the start of this post more than 5 weeks ago. And as if I needed a reminder, but I kept coming back to this. Day after day, things reminded me back of Jacobs – a reference letter to draft, a personal feedback/advice to give, a letter from a friend to read through tears, a cushion with printed memories on it (memories that ring with crystal clarity of coco nut and sunshine), and every time I stared in the distance in contemplation (you know, like they do in the movies staring into the picture frames above the mantelpiece), I would see flashes of the past 3 years at Jacobs University (the electronic picture frame that I got from Mr. Laine-Naida – my satiric cynic). And those flashes will not have a logo on them, will not have a name on them, will not have numbers or grades or interview questions, or stats home works, … Those flashes are the theater performances, the laughter at the bar (I can’t hear the sound but I can feel it), the cooking contest, the wine tastings, the early rowing trainings, the presentation skills workshops, the tea evenings before physics home works, the paper studio dreams, … And i would remember all the people who have touched me – and who helped me realize: it is not the place that makes the people, and it is not the people that makes the place.

It is a fruitless endeavor to try to find the egg in the situation and i refuse to do so but I know this: those people are in my heart and that place with them is in my heart. And it could not have been better to have the better memories imprinted on the digital chip of the camera of the past year and a quarter. (if I look statistically, there was a constant increase in the number of pictures I’ll take per month – they call that “growth” in the business world which is an indication for success).

(Don’t you dare attach any meaning to the order)

Diana, Anika, Carin, Marja, Theresa, Anna L., Suna, Mareike, Jons, Venja, Anna L. (another one), Max, Iza, Dragos, Rebecca, Viki, Cornelia, Katja, Helmuth, Wiebke, Nora, Lea, Arvid, Margrit, Mina, Steffi, Carmen, Domnique, Nathalie, Romina, Cornelia, Lizzy, Marie, Alexander, Imke, Peter W., Tonia, Claudia, Warren, Kerstin, Ulf, Mitul, Gerry, Nik, Sophie, Esther, And the many many many many many many many many others who came for a career advice and who inspired me with their sparkle, their curiosity, their transparency, their honesty, their desires. I am at peace!

(no single photograph can summarize my bow to the people). (and no, this has nothing to do with this evil thing called “regrets” – I love my choice to take up the new job – in fact this ramble-of-a-realization is a confirmation that it was a great choice – because being out of the place, doesn’t make me out of place with the great people.)

700 km

The last time I went to my grandparents’ place (my parents’ hometown where they grew up and studied together since grade 1 – sweet and almost surreal story in our society) was in 2008. By some standards, it is a long time ago; especially, by theirs. So, 350 km one way on Saturday (high-way speeds of questionably-legal limits), gave me a great sunny afternoon with them – to take pictures of their intent concentration, their swirling emotional states, their wisdom, their incessant contemplations of times gone by, their film-strips down memory lane, and their predictions of the future (with beans). And despite age, broken wrist that still needs healing, and … other things, they were full with energy. And it took my grandma a wink to prep herself with make-up, fancy suit and a silk scarf for the camera (and the photographer). And that was another walk down memory lane – for me – remembering those rooms in which I spent every summer, remembering those small utensils which hadn’t changed in 15 years, remembering the care and love that I received from them. With the pictures, I permanently fixed those memories. Again. In a share-able version.

Moving on ("Last Career Lesson")

[The following text was a speech I gave upon my last work day at Jacobs University as Head of Career Services before moving to my new job.]

You know how in the movies, the character always storms into the office of some HR person and before having even opened the door, they start shouting “I am QUITTING”??? And how often time, there will be roller blades involved? the person skating across a restaurant floor? Well, this isn’t quite like what happened. Not at all. For me, it was a long process and I want to share with you today, the process - because it is an embodiment of what we’ve been repeating over and over and over again - networking!!!

So, many of you have been asking me “what from now” and I’ve been annoying replying “come to my career lesson” and you’ll find out. Today I’m going to shed some light on the rumors about why quitting. 

It all started in April. You remember, Mercatorstrasse event? It was huge - wild wild west. Wonderful weather, magical food, drinks, fun (some pictures btw are included in the slideshows here - they have that wild west dusty color). An alumnus of Jacobs was visiting and I as a typical Career services guy was gathering information, trying to pamper her to share with us more of her experience and to help establish the first link.

I was listening to Ioana (you can find actually some interview with her in our alumni profiles on the career services website - end of commercial break), and I could see this passion in her eyes. And of course the first thing that comes to mind is “boy, I need to introduce her to Diana who is looking for the same kind of an internship”. Little did I know that this decision was what will lead me forward as well.

So, we set it all up, Diana applies, and takes over the internship after Ioana. And sure thing, as someone with genuine professional passion for Human Resource Management, both of them talk their supervisor into meeting me, the guy from Career Services. So I prepare, I have an offer in hand, a suggested timeline for recruitment, a couple of questions based on some curious findings they have done some research on with university students and off I take the train. We are still in July, is everyone still following? We’ve got way to go :-)

The meeting goes fine, I meet some other colleagues who are responsible for university relationships as well, I have lunch in their cafeteria (not too bad but honestly, Aramark is still pretty good - so stop whining about that). And good, we shake hands, we smile, we exchange pleasantries, I do my “magic” and ... I fail utterly. I come back to the office, I do a follow-up offer, I send my thank you-s, and NOTHING. For weeks. Nothing.

Three weeks later, I get an email from Diana that her boss (who I met) has been “asking about me” [airquotes]. I wonder really? We just had a coffee but he wants to see my CV. wait wait wait - that’s merely the beginning of the story. So, I say, sure, it can never hurt to learn about recruitment processes about a specific company first hand and pass on that knowledge further (same as all of you do with your internship reports). And then for weeks, again nothing. Diana tells me “position he had in mind got filled internally” so that’s that. OK, I didn’t think further about it. And then, September came. And I get an email from someone who has the same family name as Diana’s supervisor asking if I would be available for a phone interview. It turns out in the meantime that, yes, that was Diana’s boss’s wife who also works there. And it turns out, Diana’s boss had no idea my CV had landed in his wife’s hands. Lovely isn’t it? I assume they have a very good communication lifestyle. But perhaps you could make the argument that they know how to keep personal life separate from professional - which I have been notoriously bad at.

So, anyway, I have the first interview over the phone with her. I prepare, I close the door, turn off all gadgets (of which I have many), I stand up and do the whole interview standing, I still wear my best suit although its over the phone, I have my CV printed in front of me, I have prepared my elevator speech, my “3 weaknesses”, my “3 strengths”, and ... ZILCH. She asks me one thing: “We don’t have anything in HR but would you be interested in Sales and Marketing?” I explain that most of my job is in fact marketing. So, great, when can you come for a personal interview.

I think to myself, all of this is a good exercise and I go there to meet the head of sales and marketing for central and eastern Europe. And you know, I haven't had many bosses. In reality i have had only two real bosses. But I have often heard that you should first choose your boss and then your job. So far I've never done that - things happened. So I had the chance to test this theory. And in the entire interview, not for a single moment, did we talk about the job or the tasks. We talked about values, believes, fears, aspirations - and this is the kind of conversation that when you have with someone you realize "he can be a great mentor to me" - someone I can trust fully, someone who will understand how I think, someone who will support me with advice and plain with being present, someone who will never start rumors against your back, someone who will defend you because he is not afraid of responsibilities. I've seen such a boss before and at this moment, I want to turn to you, Dr. AZJ:

We had a bumpy start, I am not easy to work with, I am opinionated and arrogant sometimes but it took me a couple of jour-fixes to come to terms with that and to learn that you are someone I can learn from a lot: about patience, about persistence, about zen passion. You remain the one of the few people from whom I can tolerate to hear sentences starting with "in my experience...". In fact, I love those sentences - and whenever I was frustrated with something in the past months when we weren't working together anymore, I wanted to come over to hear that phrase. If it weren't for this relationship, I think it is safe to say that I would have personally not been able to find the passion in my heart to work the late hours, to fight for the students, to grow career services. Whatever has happened with career services to this day is thanks to you! Thank you!!!

Back on track now. First interview goes great. I get a call from HR wondering about my feedback. I tell them I felt great and they tell me that the "click" was mutual. I am thrilled of course. They want another interview. I say great - I'll be there. As some of you know, at that time, I started considering leaving Jacobs more seriously. So i welcomed the next interview - that was November. And once again, the interview was a marathon of "how do you think", " why" and "what do you believe in" questions. The interview was with the same guy from sales and marketing plus the general manager for Poland. 

At the end of the interview, they tell me that indeed they want to fire me and that HR will be in touch with me. And to cut the long story short, in December they had started the process and so had I. I had mentally started preparing, I had started cleaning up the administrative issues in the office, etc. And here we are today: all the plans for the transition have been completed, a detailed step by step time schedule (down to drafted emails) has been submitted to the leadership, with an offer for continued support in the coming months if necessary. And I am having my last working day.

And I have some more thank yous to say:

Diana - because whenever I needed a pep-talk, she gave me a motivational speech

Anika, Carin, Laetitia, Imke and Sarina - because they made Career Services my home

Ulf Hansen - because when I was speechless, he had a monologue prepared

Keratin Wilde - because in times of desperation, her poignant and sometimes sarcastic comments warmed the heart

Margrit Schreier and Arvid Kappas because they always wished me the best with all their heart

Marja - because in times when I was down, she always had tea ready.